the places you have come to fear the most
by crazyaboutthem
Summary: "The refuge that you've built to flee is the place you have come to fear the most" - Rachel's safe place becomes the place she fears the most. A/U Rachel-centric.


**A/N: Well, I was listening to The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most by Dashboard Confessional (title credit by the way) and this happened. Hope you like it! Angst ahead guys!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

_i._

She's always felt safe here. Whenever things would get unbearable, she could always go to a stage and everything would just disappear. It would be like it was just her and the stage, nothing else mattered. When Finn broke up with her (all three times he actually did that) she came to the stage and always sang their song, and however it felt different than singing it in her room later. The stage always seemed to make things better, no matter what was going on.

And then, everything changed.

_ii._

She's singing to herself in the kitchen when Finn gets home.

"Babe?" Finn's voice comes from the front door.

"Kitchen!" she yells. Finn enters the kitchen a few seconds later and kisses her. "I'm making your favorite," she says, smiling.

He smiles back. "Thanks, babe. What's the occasion?" he asks.

"Does there have to be a special occasion for me to cook my husband's favorite meal?"

"I guess not," he says. Then he leaves to take a shower before dinner and she finishes cooking, smirking to herself. She doesn't think there should always be a special occasion for her to cook Finn's favorite dish, but today there is one, so special.

_iii._

She's lying on the couch watching TV when Santana calls her.

"Hey, San."

"Hey, Berry. How's it going?" Santana asks.

"Okay," Rachel answers in a small voice. No one says anything for a few seconds. She knows Santana wants her to keep the conversation flowing, but she's just not in the mood.

"So…" Santana's voice drags. "Spoke to Hummel today." Rachel doesn't say anything to that either. "He said Tina told Will that if he doesn't bring you back in the next week, she'll quit." More silence, and Santana must be losing her already small amount of patience. "Just thought you should know, you know, considering these are your friends, and your job and you freaking life Rachel," Santana finishes with an edge in her voice, and Rachel knows she's really trying not to completely lose it right now.

She doesn't know what to say, honestly. It's not like she can talk about how she's feeling, cause then she would have to, you know,_ talk_ about it. And she just can't deal with this right now. "The oven's alarm is ringing San, I have to go," she says, even though it's ten in the morning, and Santana knows she's lying.

Santana sighs. "Okay. Bye Rach."

"Bye," she says and hangs up the phone. She wishes she had a place to escape to. As soon as she thinks that, her eyes fill with tears. She does have a place to escape to, or at least she _used to_. Except now, that place is the place she fears the most.

_iv._

"That was amazing, Rach," Finn says, as he cleans his plate for the second time.

She giggles. "Thank you, " she says as she takes their plates to the dishwasher and he gets the wine bottle and to glasses and brings them to the living room. She smiles at this and grab the pomegranate juice from the fridge.

She walks into the living room as he's about to fill the second glass with wine. "Wait," she says and he stops and turns around to look at her.

"What's wrong?", he asks, confused.

"Nothing," she says, smiling. "I just don't feel like wine right now, I'm gonna go with this tonight," she says, filling her glass with the juice and sitting down on the couch.

He leaves the wine bottle on the table and sits next to her. "Why the sudden change?" he asks as she cuddles into him.

She turns to look at him, beaming. "I just can't."

"What? Drink wine?", he asks and she nods. "Why?" She doesn't say anything, just keeps beaming hoping that he'll realize it for himself. When she sees he's still trying to figure it out she grabs his hand and puts in on her belly. She looks up at him with tears in her eyes and she can see this twinkle in his eyes as he figures it out and he asks, "You're pregnant?" She nods, crying. "We're pregnant?", he keeps asking and she keeps nodding. "We're pregnant!", he yells as he hugs her. When he releases her, he kisses her, hard, and then he puts his face on her belly and kisses it as he whispers it once more, completely in awe.

_We're pregnant._

_v._

Finn comes home late and she's already curled up in bed. She fakes being asleep, because she knows he wants to talk. He seems to always want to talk these days.

He goes about himself, takes a shower, eats some of the leftover she left for him in the oven, brushes his teeth, and then he comes to bed. She knows he's staring at her, to see if she's really asleep or not, but she's an actress alright? She can fake being asleep. Especially since she's been doing it every single night lately.

Finally he sighs and gets under the blankets. He stays still for a minute and then he curls up behind her, hugging her waist and caressing her stomach gently under her shirt (which is his old FDNY shirt). "I miss you," he whispers and her eyes fill with tears. "_Both of you_," and that does it. She breaks down crying.

He sighs. He turns her around to face him but she won't look at him, she _can't_. He hugs her and she clutches onto his neck and just sobs and she whispers the only thing she's said to him lately.

_I'm sorry_.

_vi._

Finn insists on going to the doctor's appointment the next day. "I'll just get Puck or Santana to cover for me, okay?"

And so they go to the doctor's appointment, and she can tell Finn's bouncing on his feet from all the excitement. She wants to tell him to behave, but who is she kidding? That's how she feels too. They've been trying for so long now. _Too_ long. And now they've finally made it. So yeah, they're excited, but they're allowed to be. Because they're going to be parents.

"Alright Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, what do we have here?," Dr. Lockhart says, smiling. "It says here that you're pregnant."

Rachel smiles. "Yes, I took like ten home pregnancy tests."

"Okay, let's do some tests to see how far along you are, shall we?"

They've been waiting for the test results for a little over an hour when the nurse comes and tells them that Dr. Lockhart is waiting for them in her office.

They walk into her office, a neat and organized light blue room, and sit opposite Dr. Lockhart who's behind a desk. "Well, apparently you're just a little over a month along, Mrs. Hudson. Congratulations," she says and Rachel smiles and Finn squeezes her hand because this is real, this is happening. "Okay, I'm going to give you pre-natal care vitamins, some tips for the morning sickness that's about to come, and then we'll do an ultrasound to see how things are going okay?" Rachel nods. "One more thing, you stated that you are a vegan?" Dr. Lockhart asks.

"Have been for over fifteen years," Rachel says.

"Well, you see, you have another human being growing inside of you know, and he or she is going to need proteins and a good balanced diet in order to keep growing. And I'm afraid the vegan diet does not have all the baby needs," Dr. Lockhart says, looking straight into Rachel's eyes to show she's completely serious. "I'm afraid to say you're going to have to change into a normal diet Mrs. Hudson, and that includes meat and dairy products. I'm sorry."

Rachel looks outraged. She looks at Finn and he's looking at her pleadingly so she just sighs. "Okay, if it's for the baby's sake, I'll do it," she says.

Both Finn and Dr. Lockhart smile at her and then they move to an exam room to have the ultrasound.

And that is where everything gains meaning, and it actually dawns on them. The minute they listen to the baby's heartbeat everything else fades away. To Rachel the only things existent on Earth right now are her, Finn and that little dot on the screen with a heartbeat that's so fast, yet so deep for her.

She looks over at Finn and he's got tears in his eyes. He looks at her and just kisses her. This is real but at the same time so surreal.

_vii._

They never talk about her breakdown that night. They fell asleep and when she woke up he was gone. And he's been working so much lately they never actually see each other. And when they do, they don't talk. Most of the times they sit in silence and watch the TV, although neither is actually watching.

She can tell Finn's getting anxious, because he doesn't know what to do anymore. It's always been the other way around, she always wants to talk and he's the more reserved one. But now, whenever Rachel wants to say something, the only words that come out are _I'm sorry_, the same words she whispers every single night when he comes home. He always hugs her, and tells her it's okay and to go to sleep and maybe tomorrow will be the day. The day for what, she doesn't know, but she hopes the day comes soon, because she can feel him slipping away from her. The same way their baby slipped away from them.

_viii._

She's currently at rehearsal for The Phantom of the Opera as Christine, one of her many dream roles. She's been in this show for a little over a year, and since she's found out she's pregnant she makes sure to enjoy both the rehearsals and the shows the most, because when she hits the second semester she leaving the show. She talked to Finn about it last week, and he asked her over a million times if she was sure. She always smiled at him and said _of course I'm sure, baby, I'm gonna be a mother_, but still, he made her wait for a week until she talked to Will, the director of the show, and think about it. And today she came earlier to the theater and talked to Will. He hugged her and congratulated her and assured her she will be missed and he also said _make sure to tell Tina, she'll be thrilled._

Tina is her understudy for Christine, and also one of her best friends. And she tells Tina next. And Tina cries, and it makes her cry because you know, pregnancy hormones (_so not_ pregnancy hormones by the way), and congratulates her and says _don't worry, I'll take care of Christine_ and they both laugh.

After talking to Tina she heads off to her dressing room where Kurt is waiting for her to try out some new dress for the show.

"Hey, diva," Kurt says as she enters the room.

"Hey Kurt," she says leaving her coat by the door and her purse on the table, and when she looks up she seen in the mirror that Quinn is sitting behind her. "Oh, hey Quinn, didn't see you there."

"Hey, Rach," Quinn smiles at her. "How's it going?"

"Just fine. What are you doing down here?"

"I actually wanted to talk to you," Quinn asks, nervously fidgeting with her hands.

"What about?" Rachel asks, her curiosity picked.

"Have you met Noah Puckerman? He works with Finn."

Rachel smirks. "Yes, yes I have."

Quinn sees her smirking and blushes. "Don't."

Rachel laughs, but straightens her face. "He's a good guy, really good Q. And that's all I'm gonna say for now."

"Thanks," Quinn smiles.

"Okay, okay, enough lady chat, girls. Rachel, I have to show you this dress I have for this year's Tonys, seriously, it is to die for!" Kurt says, excitingly.

Rachel smirks. "I don't think I'm going to fit into it, Kurt."

"What are you talking about, Rachel? You're not fat!" Kurt says.

"I know I'm not," Rachel says and then pauses, (yes, she's a sucker for dramatics okay? Sue her). "But I will be by the time the Tonys happen."

"Oh my God!", Quinn says excitingly. "Are you pregnant?"

Rachel beams and nods. Both Kurt and Quinn scream and hug her. They say they're happy for her and Finn, and they wanna be godparents and she's just so happy she can't stop smiling.

_ix._

This one Thursday Finn comes home early.

"Hey, babe," he says, sounding so tired. He comes over to where she's sitting on the couch and kisses the top of her head. "Chinese for dinner sound okay?" he asks.

She nods and he sighs, heading over to the kitchen to look for the number of the Chinese place. Yeah, his patience is totally wearing thin.

He orders the food and comes and sits next to her and he pulls her to his side, just like they did the night she told him. She sighs and she cuddles into him, even closer. Sometimes she likes to pretend nothing's changed, but in reality, everything has.

"Talked to Santana today," he says and waits for her to somehow acknowledge him. He sighs and continues. "She told me she talked to you on the phone the other day."

She still says nothing, but it hurts her, because she knows he's feeling like he's second to Santana, and that's not true. But she just can't talk to him. With Santana talking (or whatever it is they do because let's face it, they don't _really_ talk) is so much easier. Probably because with Finn she feels like she let him down, she'a a failure and a disappointment. He trusted her to carry their baby and she failed. With Santana she doesn't feel any of that.

"Rach," he says pleadingly. She looks at him and tears form in her eyes. She opens her mouth to speak but he cuts her off. "Don't. Don't say 'I'm sorry' again. Stop saying it," he nearly yells. He runs his hand through his hair, and yeah, his patience no longer exists, and he's trying to calm himself down. Finally he looks at her, straight in the eye and he grabs her hands. "Listen to me Rach, I don't blame you, okay? You did nothing wrong. Something went wrong but it wasn't your fault. This is just some sick play the universe played on us, okay? I just miss you so much, baby. You're not being yourself, and you were cleared for work weeks ago and Will said you still have your role as Christine, and, really, you go anywhere, but you won't even set foot in the theater. Why?" he looks at her, hoping she'll answer.

She's crying, and she looks at him opening and closing her mouth trying to say something, but the only thing she wants to say is the thing he doesn't want to hear.

His face falls and he hugs her, and kisses the top of her head. "Okay, you're not ready. I get it. I can wait. But, Rach, the rest of the world won't wait for you."

She knows it won't. Is it bad that she doesn't really care?

_x._

She's about to leave for the stage when she almost falls. She's alone in her dressing room, Quinn and Kurt left after hours of excited shouting and congratulations, and she has to start rehearsal now. And she should already be on stage, and she would start walking, if her freaking legs would just move. Suddenly the room starts spinning and the last thing she notices before fainting is the fact that there was blood running on her legs. And then everything went black.

The next time she opens her eyes she's in a white bright room and the first thing she feels is Finn's hand squeezing hers as he mumbles something, and he's crying. And it's when he looks at her that she realizes what happened. _Everything's changed._

He kisses her lightly on the lips and whispers _I'm so glad you're awake, I was so scared, I thought's I'd lost you, baby._ She smiles faintly at him before the tears spring to her eyes. She wants to ask, but at the same time she doesn't. She knows deep down what happened, but there's that tiny thread of hope that maybe, just maybe, she's wrong and something else happened. But by the broken look Finn gives her, she knows she's not wrong. And she's never been more mad at being right.

That night, after all the doctors, and Dr. Lockhart confirming _again_ that yes she has lost her baby, and the visits from Santana, Kurt, Tina, Quinn, Noah and Will, and their pity looks, when it's just her and Finn one the hospital bed, she whispers it for the first time.

_I'm sorry._

He kisses her, holds her tighter and says, "It's not your fault, baby."

_xi._

She's having breakfast when suddenly the front door to the apartment opens and Santana, Kurt, Noah, Quinn and Tina come in.

"Alright, diva, time's up," Santana says.

"For what?" she asks.

"For moping," Puck says.

"Puck! Must you be so rude?!" Kurt hisses. Puck just rolls his eyes.

"Look sweetie, it's just that, we miss you okay? And we think it's time you get your life back on track", Quinn says, smiling lightly.

"And the fact that you husband's a fucking mess," Puck adds and Quinn slaps his arm.

"We think this is for your own good," Tina says.

"And what is _this_ specifically?" Rachel asks.

"Get dressed," Santana says.

"San…"

"No. Don't. Just, get dressed Rachel, please."

Santana never says please, so she just nods and head to her bedroom and gets dressed. When she comes back out, they all smile at her and Noah hands her her coat. She smiles at him so he knows she's not hurt by his statement in the kitchen and he smiles back at her in relief.

They leave the apartment, just Santana and her, and she knows the answer to the question, but still, "Where are we going?"

Santana flinches. "You'll see," she says.

Rachel sighs, she knows where they're going.

They're standing at the theater doors, and Rachel knew it, she knew, but still. That feeling of dread is eating her up.

Santana grabs her hand. "Breathe. And when you're ready we'll go inside."

Rachel nods. They've been standing there for a little less than ten minutes when she says, "Okay, I'm ready."

Santana nods, and she takes a deep breath and walks into the theater. Santana told her to head to the stage, that someone is waiting there for her. She knows who's wating, of course.

And when she walk into the room she sees him, standing in the middle of the stage.

_Finn._

"Hey," he says. She smiles at him. "I'm glad you came." She keeps smiling. "Okay, I know you don't like being here, and maybe what I'm doing is kind of an ass move-"

"No," she cuts him off, "it's not."

He looks at her smiling and asks her to come next to him, and so she does. But she doesn't go up the stage. "Rach, please," he pleads.

Rachel sighs and slowly starts to make her way onto the stage. He holds her hand as she's up there and smiles at her encouragingly. She chuckles. "Thank you"

"No problem, babe," he says, smiling that half smile he has that always melts her.

He starts to speak but she cuts him off again. "I think you've done enough talking and I'd like to talk now, please?" she asks.

He smiles at her. "Of course."

She takes a deep breath and starts. "For as long as I can remember the stage has been my safe place. Kids could bully me, my mother could reject me, things could go bad with us, even if an audition went wrong, when I set foot on a stage everything would just disappear. Because this is what I was meant to do. Nothing else matters here, but the song, the acting and the audience, not even me." She takes another deep breath because here comes the bad part of the story. He knows it so he squeezes her hands and smiles at her. "But, since that day, when I- I lost- the baby, all of that just went away. The stage is no longer my safe place. Because it reminds me of what happened too much. It reminds me that I failed, I was supposed to be a mother and I failed. And I failed to you too, as a wife, I disappointed you. And I know you don't want me to say it, but I _am_ sorry, and for all these weeks that's all I could say, I tried to say something else, but I just couldn't. And I kept hurting you, and you deserve to grieve too, because you lost it too, we both did. And Noah, he told me you're a mess, and I thought _well of course,_ _I know exactly what he's going through because I lost my baby too!_, but I don't. I don't know what you're going through, because yes, we both lost our baby, but you lost your wife too. And that's my fault. You asked me why I can't come back here, or why I talk to Santana but not you. That's the reason," she finishes, with tears running down her cheeks.

"I- I never asked you about Santana," he says, and he's crying too.

She chuckles, because _that's_ what he caught from her entire speech? "I know you didn't ask me in words, but I also know that you were wondering. And that you were hurt by it."

"Rach, I didn't- I never- I had no idea that you felt like you were a failure and a disappointment." She bends her head down and looks at the floor, but he grabs her chin and makes her look at him. "Don't. Don't hide from me. Not now," he pleads, and she smiles. "Okay, let me start now. Look, I just- I've already told you this so many times, but I guess I'll have to keep saying it until you believe it. This isn't your fault. Let's look at it logically okay? Did you do anything wrong? Anything you weren't supposed to do, like, I don't know, drink, or something like that?" She shakes her head. "Okay. Did you not do something you were supposed to do? Like maybe you forgot your pre-natal care or something." She shakes her head again. "Okay, good. See? You did nothing wrong, baby. I don't know why this happened, and we don't deserve it, but it did. Sometimes things happen just because they're meant to, good or bad. Like, for example, take the movie you made me watch a couple of months ago, the one with the tsunami, what was it?"

"_The Impossible_?", she asks.

"Yeah, that one. Do you think they did something wrong to deserve being hit by a tsunami? Or that they caused the tsunami by, I don't know, doing something?"

She smiles. "No, I don't."

"See? It's the same thing with us. We did nothing wrong. We did everything right. This isn't our fault." She nods, smiling, tears still running down her cheeks. "Do you believe me now?"

"Yes, but I can't promise I won't need reminding sometimes," she says.

"I'll be there to remind you every day," he promises. "And Rach, I am not disappointed in you. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I'm the luckiest guy on Earth because you chose me. I still can't believe it sometimes. If I am something of you, is fucking proud, baby." She chuckles. "And I love you. So much."

"I love you too," she says, sending him a watery smile.

"We can get through this babe, I promise," he says cupping her face.

"I believe you," she says just before his lips touch hers and oh, it's still just like coming home.

"Baby, can you come back to work? This is what makes you, you. Don't let this take away your safe place from you, please. You worked so hard and you deserve it," he pleads.

"I'll try, I promise I'll try, for you," she says, smiling. "But, I don't need it as a safe place anymore, I've got you. _You_ are my safe place to land now."

He smiles and kisses her again.

_xii._

It's still hard. The first few weeks she goes to rehearsal, but just to watch, to get reacquainted with the play and the theater. She changed dressing rooms, because she refuses to be in that dressing room anymore. And she still needs reminders sometimes that it wasn't her fault. But Finn's always there to remind her.

And eight months later, when she's finally back on track and has been actually doing shows for quite a few months now she gets pregnant again. And she's super protective over the baby. As soon as she finds out about the pregnancy she stops working, she doesn't want to stress herself. But it's all worth it when nine months later Sophie Carole Hudson is born.

Rachel still thinks about her unborn baby, but she understands now that it really wasn't her fault. And the stage will always be somewhere special for her, but her safe place now is Finn and Sophie, and later Chris and Joy.

**A/N2: Well, that's it! Hope you liked it! Reviews are love :)**


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